Summary

SUMMRY: This story is a continuation of "Edward Cullen, Dick for Hire" - if you haven't read that one, you may not "get it" in this one. "What happens when the love of your life becomes your partner in crime solving?" AH, BxE Humor, Romance, Action, Mystery - Rated M for Language, Mature Themes and serious fuckery.

*originally posted to fanfiction.net 8.31.2010*


(I do not own these characters this is simply a work of fanfiction)


Chapter 8 – Follow the Yellow Brick Trail of Horse Shit


Cullen POV

“I don’t like this.”
“What exactly don’t you like about it?”
It’s all in the tone, my friends…all in the tone.
I laughed at her ass.  “A lot.”
A whole fucking hell of a lot, to be exact.
Swan put her hand on her hip and jetted her side out just a little while Eddy Jr. did his own personal Barry White impersonation and said, oh….yeah.
Except this wasn’t the time or place for him to be getting’ jiggy with that shit.  I needed to convince her that this was stupid and dangerous and…fucking hell, now I sounded like her.
Jake, who’d, up to this point, been quite goddamn appropriately, standing off a little to let us hash out our…differences, to say the least, finally broke in to give his two cents worth of bullshit.
“You can’t do it, Edward, it’s gotta be Bells.”
Seriously?
I scowled at the Gargoyle. “And why’s that?”
“Because if you do it, and someone makes you, it’s over…no way in, later on. You may as well go home now.”
Mother of…
Goddamn…
A-Hole.
He was right.
And I fucking hated that shit.
But more than that…
“Besides...”
I really hated to think about what I could only imagine was comin’ out of Swan’s mouth, next.
Besides, you know, my dick.
Jesus. Nothin’ like ina-fucking-propriately placed fantasies.
“I didn’t exactly like what was going down on the airplane ride out here, but hey…” she held up a hand at me.  You know how she is.
“I sucked it up and let you do your….whatever.”
“My…”
Oh yeah, I was goin’ there.  I mean, shit, all I did was play Blondy like a used up Banjo…
Right?
“What’d she say that got you all twisted up, anyway?”
Okay…maybe not.
“Nothin’…she didn’t say anything…I wasn’t twisted…”  I smirked and gave her my ‘crazy’ face like it was her who was the one that was you know…crazy.
“You were totally twisted, Edward, I saw it in your face.”
Yeah, this is the result of living with a goddamn psycho-analytical sex goddess.
Lucky me.
Hmmm.
Mention the underlying insinuations that Blondy had made about knowing shit, regarding our case?  The subtle threats on people I cared about?  Or better yet, the pictures that a supposed mutual acquaintance may or may not have of me?
I don’t fucking think so.
I reached out and scratched her head.  “You’re imagining things,” I teased but the whole, narrowing of the eyes thing told me, she wasn’t letting it go just yet so, I added, with a wave of a hand, “Plus you know, you’re all…emotional and shit, lately.”
Then there were two sets of eyes that were narrowing.
Her’s from the anger, Jake’s from the confusion.
What?
Better to have her pissed at me, than digging into something I wasn’t exactly finished digging into myself, yet.
Besides, it would only throw our focus off course from where it needed to be for the moment.
Swan rolled her eyes hard but I wasn’t worried.  She pretty much let shit roll off of her back when it came to me and there wasn’t a goddamn instance that I wasn’t grateful.
Seriously.
Like, extremely fucking grateful.
As we finished up some details we needed to cover before starting on the next steps to our current course of action, I took in all the shit Jake had taken care of.
Gargoyle actual pretty much had his shit together, if I do say so myself.
And you know I didn’t like saying so myself.
He’d arranged fake IDs, a wig for Swan, even…
Talk about bringing back the memories…
Good times.
And an outfit in which I had no motherfucking idea how anyone would be able to fit a body into.
Regardless of their perfect shape and perfect for my hands to hold on to her size.
Anyway…we’d found out, through Jake’s own investigating, that this…art house place was the hub bub of miscellaneous seriously suspicious and yet not truly looked into by the local fucking authorities activity throughout the previous year and came to our own paranoia-stricken conclusions that it was probably just a front for the real deal.
Whatever that real deal was.
I did know one thing in my gut of guts, though.
Aro goddamn Volturi had something to do with it.  And I was nailing this bullshit down until it lead me to the motherfucker and then we were gonna have words.
So the “plan” was…Jake would be an art dealer and Swan would be his…eye candy, for lack of a better word.
Because we all knew, there was no better way to get a man to sing like a goddamn canary than with a  woman with a rack to stare at and an ass to kill for.
Which I would.
Kill for, that is.
I eyed Swan again and I could just smell the smoke from the wheels that were turning in her too smart for her own goddamn good head and told the both of them, but mostly her, “Alright, I’m gonna get a rental and wait outside the building for you two.  And…keep an eye out for the wrong people showing up.”
She smiled, kinda, then trotted off to the other room in the suite, to get ready.
“Something happens to her…” I warned the BFF and he literally fucking smirked at me, shaking his head.
Dick.
“Get goin’, Edward, we’ll see ya over there.”
“Right.”
How was it that I was suddenly feeling like an obsessive, compulsive, possessive motherfucker all of a sudden?
Did the plane ride to Seattle disrupt the space goddamn continuum or something?
Jesus.
I waited for Bella and Jake for about forty-five minutes outside the art house that the unknown customer service who ha who’d given me the run around on the phone told me this Vladimir guy owned.
I took the free time to scout out the area, make sure there weren’t any lurkers hanging out, which, although there were a few, they didn’t seem to pay too much attention to what the fuck was going on around them.
Talk about a waste of perfectly dirty money.
I stayed out of sight. 
For the most part, anyway. 
Because like Jake had so blatantly and rudely pointed out, if we were gonna pull this shit off, my face needed to stay anonymous, for now, otherwise it was all for fucking not.
Know what I mean?
I watched some of the lookout who ha’s have super secret conversations…like anyone really gave a shit…and was pretty much convinced that yeah, this wasn’t your ordinary art store that we were dealin’ with.
So I made some notes, took some descriptions of fucktwats and just as I was getting ready to call to see where in the Hell my co-horts were, Jake’s car pulled up in front.
And holy mother of fucking legs as long as the Nile, Swan was like a modern day goddamn Mata fucking Hari…only…you know…better.
Way better.
The color black was lookin’ good on the Swan.  It was lookin’ very…good.
My dick agreed.
Ten fold.
And I wanted to scrap the whole plan right then and there, send Gargoyle back to Forks and take Swan back to the hotel for some serious up R&R.
If ya know what I’m sayin’.
But I talked him down, settling for a little bit of rosy palm action through the jeans for the greater good and went back to what I was supposed to be handling.
Fucking fuck me outfits.
I was close enough to see them fine enough but I pulled out the nocs anyway, and watched, as they they entered the store, to get a better look at the goings on the inside.
And of Swan’s ass.
What?
I was feeling pretty good about the plan, until I noticed something.
Something that was not discussed and definitely not part of the goddamn plan that I remembered.
Jake slinked his hand around to Bella’s lower back as she exited the car, his fingers dangling toward places they had no goddamn business dangling around and then leaned in like he was telling her some kind of intimate goddamn pillow talk type of secret.
You don’t fucking touch another dude’s woman’s lower goddamn back, my friends.
It’s an un-written fucking rule, that’s why.
And you definitely don’t whisper sweet nothings into their ears.
“What the hell,” I said to him…even though I knew very goddamn well that he couldn’t fucking hear me but hell, he had to know that shit was gonna piss me off.
Right?
And the smirk on his face as he half turned, holding the door for her to enter before him said, yes, yes I did know I’m a goddamn douche nozzle, thank you very much.
Right before he put his hand on her ass, as she passed him by.
I hadn’t realized my mouth was open until a fucking bug flew into it and I choked on the goddamn thing.
He’d be payin’ for that shit, later.
Just sayin’.
I watched them as a man that I assumed to be the manager or some shit like that was introduced to them,  who looked kinda like he coulda been the long distance cousin of some sort to Mendez, only he was much younger and much more…fucking putting his goddamn hands all over my…
On Swan.
“What the fuck is with these assholes?”
There were some smiles exchanged and the one Swan flashed reminded me of the day I’d met her. 
Bella Swan, by the way.
I smiled thinking about that but I certainly didn’t like someone else getting that fucking smile out of her and then, to top that shit off, she let him take her goddamn hand and kiss that motherfucker on the back of it.
My goddamn hand.
His motherfucking lips.
Lips that weren’t gonna be finding the back of many other hands if he didn’t cut that shit out, pronto.
I tightened the grip on the nocs and turned the wheel in the middle to get a closer look at him.
You know, in case I ran up against him later.
Swan was doing a superb job of not making too much direct eye contact so that if she ran up against him later, he wouldn’t recognize her without the wig or the fuck me dress.
Or rather, fuck me without the dress.
Maybe, fuck me with the dress…then again without the dress…and boots…definitely boots.
“Be a good fuck twat…and put the hand down…” I whispered, watching still.
But no dice.  He held on to Swan’s fingers like he was about to rub one out with them entwined in his own hand while she just fucking stood there.
Free hand around the BFF, while Jake took some of her hair, moved it and then…
“Jesus fucking Christ.”
I put the nocs down ‘cause seriously.
I couldn’t watch anymore of that bullshit.
Okay, yes I could.
I picked them back up so as not to miss anything and as I watched the way she played that guy in there with her, I couldn’t help but smile at her ass.
I mean, at her, not literally at her ass…you know what the fuck I’m sayin’.
Anyway, I smiled, ‘cause damn if I wasn’t the happiest and luckiest son-of-a-bitch to have her in my life and I didn’t really know what the fuck was gonna happen to what we had, with all the crazy ass baby talk that was goin’ on of late, but shit, it wasn’t like I said I…
“Holy shit.”
My line of sight was disturbed by a body walking in front of the scopes and when I lowered them back down to see who the fuck it was, I was treated to a full on frontal view of none other than…”Blondy.”
Shit just gets better and better, I tell ya.
I lowered the nocs and watched as she came out into the front street from an alleyway beside the art house and then she chit chatted a little with the who ha’s there.
She didn’t seem to making any body movements that told me she knew Swan was in that building, but I wasn’t taking any fucking chances.
So when she left, I left.
Jake’s bullshit forgotten…for the time being…
They’d be alright, and besides…I needed to make sure our Blond headed bullshitter bitch wasn’t heading anywhere to give my co-horts away or anything.
One more visual sweep of the area and I was outta there. 
Blondy walked, so I walked.
I snapped a couple of profiles of her while she bought a café mocha something or other fuckery from Starbucks.  Inspected her body language when she purchased a book from a vendor and then checked email when she stopped into some kinda hair slash nail salon place before entering yet another building, not to come back out again for a fucking hour.
My job.  It fucking rocks.
She was all jazzed up, sparkling like a motherfucker and I started wondering if she indeed knew I was following her ass and was just fucking with me until, finally…
Fucking finally, she looked around her a little, pretending to check her make up before disappearing down some stairs in to an underground looking establishment that had one huge ass motherfucker was guard dogging the entrance for who I wasn’t willing to take on.
Just yet.
I figured that was her final destination for the evening.
I also figured, that was our destination for the evening, so I waited for a while, ‘till someone actually exited the fucking place and did my best impersonation of a lost and desperate tourist of some sort.
I got information that you’d think woulda been harder to get except the guy I was getting the goods from was even more desperate than I acted.
And possibly drunk.
Or high.
More on that shit, later.
I didn’t have time for dilly-fucking-dallying at that point, so I headed back to the rental, and then back to the hotel and checked in with Emmett.
“I think I like Jake.”
Funny.  I’ve got a comedian for a goddamn brother.
Yay, me.
“That’s awesome, Em, can ya tell me what’s goin’ on with Muldoon, now?”
He chuckled a little.
“Nothin’ new, bro.  He’s just keeping a bird’s eye view on everything and everyone right now…it’s kinda giving me the creeps, actually.”
“And he hasn’t um…”
Said anything about certain pictures he has in his possession of yours truly, giving a gun to Mike Newton?
“Discussed anything out of the ordinary?”
“What doesn’t he say that’s outta the ordinary, Edward, what are you all worked up about?”
I sat down onto the bed and twisted the phone so that my brother wouldn’t hear the air I was lettin’ out as I tried to think through all of the shit I was currently knee deep in.
“Ed?”
He sounded worried and there was just no way I was about to throw this box, chock full of fuckery on to his shoulders with the already heavy ass burden he had to deal with at home.
“How do you do it, Em?”
“How do I do, what, Edward?”
“Lilly, Rose…work….I mean shit, being a cop is hard all by itself, how the hell are you supposed to do a decent job when you’re worried about all the other…you know…people in your life?”
He laughed at me, again, harder this time and then told me, “Edward, this is life, man…”
What the fuck was that supposed to mean?
“Not helpful, Em.”  And now I was dragging a hand through my already fucked up hair, pulling at the roots.
“Listen, did you wait to get the Vanquish until you could afford it?”
Again, I ask…
What?
The fuck?
“Okay, I’ll bite…no, I didn’t.”
“Why not?”
“Um, because the Vanquish was the best and fastest piece of machinery out there that money could buy and I fucking wanted it.”
“Exactly.”
Am I the only one not following this line of bullshit?
“Em.”
“Yeah bro?”
“You really fucking suck at the advice thing, don’t try to help Lilly when she gets older and needs to know how to blow off some guy who’s stalking her, kay?”
More laughing.
“Call me if ya need me.”
“Wait.”  I needed one more thing.
“Yo.”
“You at work?”
“Yyyyyyep.”
“I’m gonna send you a picture, see if you can track her down, alright?  I mean, if you don’t have the bird’s eye view king breathing down your back.”
“Her?  You scammin’ on Bella, bro? ‘Cause…”
“Em…just…run the woman, alright?”
More laughing. 
Annoying. Fucking.  Laughing.
“Yeah, will do.”
I hung up more pissed off then I was when I called and I tossed the phone onto the bed next to me, fell back and got some goddamn shut eye before Swan and Black could get back.
‘Cause something told me, it was gonna be a long ass night.
And then some.
Later, after waking up, eating a fuck-awesome sandwich that Swan brought back from her’s and the BFF’s field trip, I got the info we’d been hoping for.
And the confirmation of what I’d found out, too.
After I got my licks in, that is.
While Jake was leaning a little too fucking closely into Swan, looking over their own notes, I pushed him away from her.  “Fucking touch her like that again and you won’t have a goddamn hand to touch your dick with, Skippy.”
He looked amused but he wasn’t fucking fooling me, I knew he heard what I was sayin’.
“Edward,” Swan was trying to interject but fuck that noise.
“I’m not fucking kidding.”
“Edward, we were playing a role, we needed to, to get the info…”
“I don’t give a shit what the fuck role you were playing, Jake.  I saw the goddamn look.”
This time, Swan laughed.  “What look?” Like I was over reacting or some shit.
The look…” I eyeballed Jake.  “The one that only I got to see right before he felt your ass up going in.”
She seemed genuinely shocked, even though I didn’t fucking see her making a fuss when his palm was on her ass cheek earlier.
“Jake, seriously?  What are we, like, ten?” She asked him but she was just playing.
I on the other hand, was not.
I huffed out, crossing my arms as I adjusted my stance, waiting for his response.
Jake shrugged it off and told me, “It was all in fun, Edward…I mean it’s not like Bells and I are…you know…”
“No goddamn shit, Jake, beside the point.”
Swan took the wig off and headed into the bathroom, telling us she was taking a shower and that she expected the playground bullshit to cease and desist by the time she got out.
After a couple of minutes of some serious man to man stare downs, Jake and I decided we were wasing time and compared notes.
“So, we’re heading over to…”
“Downtown, I know.”
“What do you mean, you know?”
“I mean I followed Blondy, that’s where she went, I think we’re gonna see her later.”
“Shit, Edward, the blonde from the plane?”
“That’s her,” I told him while I dialed up a tux rental place from the cell phone.
“You want me to stick around?  I can…” 
I held a hand up to that shit, because fuck if I needed Gargoyle to stick around overnight.
“Thanks but…no fucking thanks, Jake….we’ll take it from here.”  I ignored him while the clerk on the other end of the phone asked what he could help me with and I told him and Jake made himself busy doing something until I was done.
Didn’t change anything.
We decided, he’d head home, help Charlie out and if anything else happened that required his fucking assistance, Swan would call.
And I mentally laughed because, seriously…like that was gonna happen.
I ran down the street to get my tux while Swan finished her shower and to be honest, she was a little put off that he didn’t say goodbye but all was pretty much forgotten when she took in the extremely sexy but not cocky at all live in boyfriend that stood there waiting for her when she came into the main room of the suite.
“You look….”
Her eyebrow raised a little and the bottom lip I loved so much found a home in between her teeth, begging for me to just, take the goddamn tux off, if ya feel me.
But again, no time.
She snapped out of it and asked me to zip up the even more or a fucking fuck me dress than the one she’d had on earlier.
And I was pretty goddamn sure my balls were about as blue as the goddamn Hope diamond was at some point in time.
I think it was blue anyway.
For the love of fucking God.
“Okay, so, you know Poker?” I asked her, distracting both of us from any sex relation conversations because that would have made us late to the party, making our trip worthless and my forehead creaed a tad ‘cause I hadn’t actually thought about that shit until just that moment.
“I know a little, but…” she shrugged and we figured, since we were dealing with high stakes and shit, maybe she’d take on another role, while I played.
A role that would put her out of the lime light, just in case, and into the administrative type areas of the place for…further investigation.
She was gonna thieve some finance records, in other words. 
What?  It was totally within the game rules to play a little bit of I spy my little eye what you’ve been putting your proceeds towards.
When one is playing by Aro Volturi’s rules, that is.
Or in other words…fuck him.
So the plan was, get in, get Swan to an inconspicuous area and then she’d head off to pick a few locks while I perhaps…won us some fucking money to cover the cost of this goddamn trip.
‘Cause ya know, when you’re working for yourself, it’s not like that shit’s reimbursable.
Plus, I was anxious to find out…why a poker game?
And what the fuck was that a front for?
As we neared the hidey hole Blondy had led me to, earlier in the day, Swan was taking some deep breaths and I squeezed her a little, before telling her, “You’re gonna be fine, Swan, in and out, nobody’ll be the wiser and then we’ll maybe…head over to see Charlie.”
She smiled.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah, why not?  I mean, he only hates me a little bit these days, right?”
Both of us laughed and it seemed to get her to relax a little.  And just in fucking time, too, ‘cause we were at the door by then and when I handed the over sized ticket taker our invitations that Jake and Swan had scored us earlier, he stopped me cold.
Seriously.
His hand…my chest.
And that shit hurt.
Probably a message, but you know, not necessary, in my humble motherfucking opinion.
“No women, pal…unless they’re part of the ante…” he smiled down at Swan in a highly disturbing way and then…shit.
I got it.
And it was not exactly what I’d counted on, ladies and gentlemen…at all.
“Anti-what?  Women maybe?” Swan barked at him, unafraid of the big lug.
Sometimes that shit was endearing, but right about then…not so much.
“Swan...”
 “Asshole.  I’ll give you and your anti-women attitude my foot right up your…”
“Bella,” I jerked at her arm a little and told the guy, “Just…give us a minute, it’s her first time and you know…nerves.”
I laughed.
He laughed.
Swan did not.
The guy gave me a look as I led her away a little which was followed right the fuck up with Swan giving me a look that she usually only reserved for people she was about to beat down.
Been there, done that shit.
And noooooo thank you.
“Swan…”
“What? I’m so sick and tired of these…”
“He means…ante as in, gambling…poker, like you ante up…”  My eyebrows raised, hoping she’d get the hint…and she did…and the look on her face showed it all.
And by all, I mean…understanding, followed by a little bit of worry, then Swan’s epic thoughtfulness and finally…Swan being Swan, she came to grips with it…because she knew she needed to play this shit out.
That we needed to play it out, even though we might have overlooked a few minor details, we could still handle this.
Part of her, no doubt, probably wished Jake hadn’t gone back to Forks but personally, I felt much better, having things back to just Swan and me…we worked better that way.
So, we went back to the gorilla, taking tickets, and assured him that Swan was indeed, the bet I’d be placing and figured we’d worry about the rest when we got in there.
Couldn’t be that hard.
Right?
Anyway, as we entered, you could almost smell the money.  Dripping and oozing from every disgusting pore of every disgusting motherfucker that was in there, wagering their shit for a chance to win a woman.
Girls, in some instances, no doubt.
For a few hours? For the night?  To own?  I didn’t know, yet, but I was gonna find the fuck out.
Part of me felt sick, I’m not gonna lie, wondering if Mendez’s daughter had been stolen, bet upon, won and then…Who the fuck knows what else.
Shit’s fucking deranged.  No matter what the goddamn pretense is.
Although, maybe I’d win something…someone and get some inside info on how this bullshit fuckery worked. 
After all, I was a goddamn god at poker; there was no way I was losing to any of these schmucks.
“I don’t know about this, Edward,” Swan told me as we made our way to a hallway that seemed to give us the cloak of darkness that we needed.
I could hear the doubt in her voice but I wasn’t all that worried.  At least I knew she’d be outta harm’s way.
Right?
“Trust me, Swan.”
“I do,” she said after a minute, and then she leaned up onto her tippy toes and kissed me, then headed off to conduct her own part of the plan and I headed off to put a gaping fucking hole the size of Texas into the Volturi’s very own den of evil.
Yep.
My kinda night.

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