Chapter 21 ~ Colonel Mustard is a Motherfucker

CULLEN POV

Shit.

“That is…not good,” I said as Emmett went down in what felt like extreme slo-mo from on CNN when they show a possible fumble or…illegal fucking contact.

I was in complete and utter fucking disbelief of what had just happened.

Almost like I was stuck in a dream state or some bullshit like that.

I wished I was.

“No, it most certainly is not, Mr. Cullen,” Aro responded, from the hallway, in his creepy, I like to fondle little girls then sell them into fucking slavery voice.  “Not for you, anyway.”

I didn’t need to look to see it was him but I did anyway.

I needed to not be looking at Emmett.

To not feel the knife in my chest.

“Aro.”

I gave him a short nod.  “I’d say it’s nice to see ya, but well…it’s not.”

I pointed the gun at him as he entered the room, determined.

Pissed off.

But about five or six pointed back at me in return and even though in my mind, it didn’t really fucking matter if I lived or died right about then, I’d promised Swan I’d see her again and I needed to at least make a fucking effort to stay in one piece.

Not to mention, my brother was laying on the floor.

Still like a goddamn ten ton rock.

Goin’ nowhere.

Aro smiled as I broke my glare at him to eye Emmett one more time and then I lowered my Colt.

“Take his weapon, then take him downstairs, please, gentlemen.”

“Aren’t you gonna buy me dinner, first?” I joked but Aro, he didn’t think it was all that funny, ignoring me to walk ahead of the goon squad that was now de-arming me.

Also not good.

The joke though, that was a little funny.

People stepped over Emmett, who was lying quietly on the flood and I struggled a little to get out of the grasps of the mindless dick twat followers of Aro Volturi, to no goddamn avail and decided…steady as she goes was my best bet.

Downstairs, I was getting’ a really bad feeling, I wasn’t being taken there for a talk.

They were leading me to the slaughter room, one with drains…where it would be easy enough to hose down any blood they got on the floor when they shot me.

Repeatedly, most fucking likely.

Aro stood close enough to watch, far enough away not to get any blood on his Armani.

Dick.

And then, to top that shit off, Jane entered, standing next to Aro.

“Sorry I’m late,” she said to him, watching me, hating her ass.  “We thought we picked up some interference outside but it was probably just his radio.”

“Who were you communicating with, Mr. Cullen?  And where is my property?”

Fucking property.

He was reminding me of Seth with this shit.

My property.

I wanted to spit.

“Your property is long gone, by now…” I told him, hoping to hell I wasn’t lying.  “As far as communicating…I was discussing ways for you to up the security detail with some of your boys…who suck, by the way.”

A punch to my gut from one of said sucky security ass wipes reminded me I was out numbered and I had to catch my breath before I stood up again.

They might a been stupid, but they definitely did not lack in the meat department if ya know what I mean.

“I will ask you again, Mr. Cullen.  Where…is my property?”

“She’s not your fucking property, dick head, just because she has an asshole for a father doesn’t make her your’s, get it?”

A knee this time, and I was pretty sure a rib cracked.

I coughed out a, “Hooo, shit,” and it was harder to recover from that one but fuck them.

Fuck.

Them.

“That all ya got big guy?” I asked him, smiling and he smiled back before cocking a hand backwards in preparation for another love tap.

“Wait,” Aro said as I closed my eyes, waiting for the pain and we both looked over at our host, holding a hand up.  “If you kill him now, I will not find out where Kate is.”

“Maybe you should just cut your losses, Aro…he’s obviously not going to talk, Cullen is stubborn like that.”

It was Jane.  She was heavy on collagen, light on the thought process.

Not that I woulda given Kate up, but any smart bad guy knows, death threats work wonders on most people.

Not me ofcourse, but you know…

“Perhaps you are right, Jane.  Perhaps,” he said, thinking.  Then he walked over to a storage locker and opened it so I could see the torture tools he kept there.

“Nice collection,” I said, nodding in approval.

I’m not a religious person, people, but Mary, Joseph and a few other saints were hearing the string of curses in my head, right about then, I gotta tell ya.

“Shall I ask you one more time, Mr. Cullen?” he asked and let out a frustrated sigh when he showed me the drill he planned on putting holes in me with.

“Okay,” I said breathlessly.  “Just…wait a second, no need to get all…crazy.”

No pun intened.

Not that there was one.

He stopped and waited, patiently, as I thought it over.

Deciding if it was more important that Kate stay safe, or that I stayed alive.

“She’s at…” shit… “I think it’s…yeah, you’ll find her at the corner of ram a stick up your ass and go fuck yourself, dick.”

I’m guessing you can tell what decision I came to.

That was when he lost it.

Finally.

That well checked temper of Aro’s was slipping away and he started for me.

And that’s generally when dick twats start making mistakes, people.

And okay.

I know this doesn’t look good.

I mean, they had six guys, all with much bigger, much badder guns than mine.

Hell, they were bigger and badder, and probably didn’t even need the fucking guns.

James had set me up, which…let’s face it, who didn’t see that comin’?

Swan was gone…actually, that’s a plus…sorta.

And yeah, I shot my bother.

But things weren’t all bad.

No, seriously.

Because, ladies and gentlemen, Aro’s goons mighta known we were there.  Somehow.

And they mighta known what my weak spots were.

How  the fuck ever…what these dick holes didn’t know, was that, for once…in this whole goddamn stupid ass, human trafficking, stealing people’s daughters in the fit of an old as dirt drug lord’s temper tantrum bullshit, case, we were one step ahead of their asses.

Maybe even two.

I know, I know, actions speak louder than words and shit.

And you must be slightly confused, about now.

I should probably start with the plan.

Right?

See, Emmett, although at times, he seems like a big dumb lug of bricks, to most people…he really isn’t.

He’s a smart motherfucker and when he found this lead of his the other day, he started working on a seriously fucked up idea that also happened to be goddamn genius.

If I do say so, myself.

I mean, he is my fucking brother, ya know?

The Volturi organization was pretty big on kidnapping people.

Right?

So, why not give ‘em someone to kidnap?

Someone who might just happen to be nosing around their fortress…

Someone who just so happens to be the big brother of the royal pain in their fucking asses.

Someone who’s wife would never have let him get away with pullin’ that shit off…had she been in town.

It was all about the circumstances.

And timing.

It’s not just for standup comedy, my friends.

Had Em gotten snagged too early, they’d have found his ass out with regards to some of the aces up his sleeve.

Had they found him too late…well, we all know how that woulda gone down.

Luckily for us.  For fucking once, neither of those were the case.

Okay, so, back to the present.

Our first well laid out step ahead, was that Emmett, who, unlike me, might not have left his house with a gun every day like the Visa cards of the , did leave it with a good, decision making head on his shoulders. 

And…like all well planned out, strokes of fucking genius, plans, this one took a small hit…one where I didn’t see them draggin’ his ass in front of them when they entered the room…therefore shooting his ass, instead of theirs…he made due.

So, because, even though he’s a big ass motherfucker, he’s got freakishly cat like reflexes and even though I never fucking miss a target…that bullet I’d just shot at his ass, went through his shoulder, not the chest…and it was clean, straight through, too.

I almost hadn’t caught it, except for the fact that beside the pained look on Em’s face when he went down, he also managed a wink in my direction without anyone happening to notice that shit.

And that, my friends, is what thinking on your feet is all about.

I just prayed to Mother fucking Theresa I hadn’t hit any major arteries, is all.

So, Em went down, insinuating to our local area bad guys that I’d incidentally killed him, and lay there, knowing they wouldn’t take the  time to check him out, seeing as they’d be too goddamn busy with me and wanting to get as much information outta me as possible before anyone else showed up unexpectedly.

And with any luck, the wound would only give him a small scar and Rose wouldn’t kill me when she found out about it.

Hopefully.

Therefore, when Emmett reared his ugly mug with a hole in his shoulder, attitude on his face and a borrowed AK from the goon he’d knocked out who wasn’t payin’ attention to what was behind his ass, the entire room’s attention was diverted.

Thrown off.

And now their plan…was fucked up.

And by the goddamn way?

Thank.

Fucking.

God.

I had made a last minute decision to go for the chest area, and not, you know, the head zone.

‘Cause , that woulda been really bad.

I elbowed the dick that had knee’d my ribs and ran toward the area that held the least amount of people because quite fucking frankly, with no Colt, I was screwed.

But I’d figure it out, somehow.

I always fucking did.

Now…

Our second step ahead?

Well, sure, they mighta had AK49’s and hand grenades.

They mighta had the home field advantage and shit.

But what they didn’t have.

What we did…

Was a Jasper.

“Evenin’!” he screamed from the front goddamn door of the building, dressed in some…fucking black ops outfit or somethin’, guns in each hand.

Just like that.

All the guy was missin’ was a cigar hangin’ from his mouth and he’d a been a shoe in for fucking bad ass of the year.

And I had to laugh ‘cause that dude is one crazy ass motherfucker.

He didn’t waste any time making his way in and behind a corner wall and like the nimble motherfucker that he was as he opened fire with the shit ton of weapons he’d brought with him, on our hosts for the evening.

Perfect…motherfucking…timing.

For some reason, the karma gods were on our side for once, and I knew by Jasper’s presence, that Swan and Kate were alright.

My second clue, however, that Swan was alright, at least, was the fact that she was right behind Jasper, and had hidden behind the corner wall on the opposite side he’d found.

Like I said, stubborn.

Jesus fuck.

I could see her scanning the room for me and when her eyes finally found mine, she nodded, letting me know Kate was alright.

For now.

I sighed a little in relief and decided, there’d be time for debates about whether or not Swan was a good listener, later.

As the dick weeds were distracted by the Jazz man, Swan pulled the mini hand gun out of the back of her jeans and shot fuck tard number one in his shooting arm.

And just like that, he was outta commission, and we had the upper fucking hand.

Emmett called out for me and I told him I was fine just as Jane took a swing at me but luckily, I blocked that bullshit and flat palm chest punched her ass, knocking the gun she’d held out of her hand.

I don’t like fighting ladies, my friends.

But let’s be completely fucking honest here, Jane was no lady.

She was a bitch.

So we tussled and although she wasn’t half bad at the martial arts, I knocked her out in the end and went for the gun she’d had.

And stopped short, as I held it up to see…

It was fucking pink.

“Hello goddamn Kitty? Are you fucking kidding me with this shit?” I said outloud but didn’t exactly have a fucking choice but use the thing.

I mean in the end, I figured, it was a gun…it had bullets…they could kill.

So…

I aimed it at one of the assholes who was making his way over to Swan with a lazer beam lock on her.

She hadn’t noticed him because she was fighting off a two hundred pound dick head that was swinging a pipe wrench at her.

“Ass hat!” I yelled at him, diverting his attention just long enough and when he turned to me, I let a single shot off.

Right in his fucking head.

“Let me introduce you to my Lil’ Kitty friennn,” I told him, givin’ a go at Al Pacino, again, as he fell lifeless onto the floor and then I let off a couple more shots into his chest.

What?

I was in the moment.

I looked around for Aro, who I’d lost track of but wasn’t about to let him go loose again, to go find Kate and possibly hurt her.  So while my friends and love of my life were dukin’ it out with the idiot goons, I checked around for hidy holes that Aro mighta slipped into while we were all busy staying alive.

My first guess would have been that he’d run out side so I headed out a side door but half way through, I stopped.

Aro was too smart for that.

He’d know I called this shit in, they’d just find him on the road.

“You’re still here,” I whispered, and then I checked some rooms for…I dunno…secret passage ways?

You never fucking know with these a-holes.

Ya know?

Gun fire was still sounding and I could tell, we were winning, so I didn’t worry too much about who was getting their asses kicked as I made my way to the far side of the building, where sure enough, there was an almost undetected doorway, leading…somewhere.

I took it.

And it took me to another passage way that lead underground, and eventually, outside, a little ways away from the building.

Hmmm.

I was starting to toy with the idea that maybe this wasn’t where he’d gone after all when I heard the click of a gun barrel about two inches from the back of my head.

“You should have let it go, Mr. Cullen.”

I held my borrowed pink Hello Kitty gun up, along with my other hand and tried talking it out with Aro.

If for no other reason, to distract him from cutting my life short…for the time being.

“You know wasn’t possible, Aro.”

He laughed a little from behind me.

“At the very least, you should have taken me up on my offer, before.”

I shook my head.

“Not possible, either.”

Then he was more serious.

“Where is Kate?”

“I can’t divulge that to you, Aro, you know that…” I said.  “Client privileged information.”

I turned my head slowly and smiled innocently at him.

And he put the gun up against my neck, then.

“That’s too bad,” he said and when the shot went off, I cringed, waiting for the pain.

Waiting for the darkness.

But it didn’t come.

And I didn’t feel any pain.

Which was weird because I was pretty sure that when a bullet hits you in the back of the brain, it’s gonna hurt.

Maybe I’m paralyzed.

I felt my torso out with my hands, patting myself, looking for holes.

Maybe I’m dead already.

“That was quick,” I said and turned around to see if there was a light somewhere.  You know like what people are always talking about when they reference their near death experiences and shit?

Only I didn’t find a light.

Instead, I found Kate.

Still holding the gun in her hands up, shaking uncontrollably.

And Aro, on the ground, blood pooling around his head.

“Holy shit.”

Kate’s breath was noticeably shaky and she was staring at him.  The gun, however, unfortunately, was pointing at me, now.

Since you know…he was on the ground.

Dead.

I think.

“Kate.”

She looked like she wanted to cry, but couldn’t.

“It’s okay, Kate, I think he’s dead.”

I peeked down to check.

He wasn’t breathing.

Definitely dead.

I peeked back up at Kate.

“Can you hear me, Kate?”

And that’s when the tears started.

Hysterical.

Uncontrolled.

Hyperventaliting, even.

Tears.

I walked out of the line of fire, shoving the borrowed gun I still had in my own hand, into the back of my jeans and made it over to her, taking her gun totin’ hand in mine, putting my other arm around her and if I thought she was lettin’ loose before.

I was really good at kiddin’ my self.

“Shhhhhhhh, it’s okay.”

I just kept reassuring her, as I worked the gun out of her hand and dropped it.  “It’s gonna be okay, he can’t hurt you now, Kate.”

She grabbed on tight, that one, and we just stood there until I saw Swan, coming outta the doorway I had…however long ago that was.

She put two and two together and didn’t waste any time fillin’ me in on our situation out front.

“Mulddon showed, there’s a bunch of wounded, a couple killed…Emmett’s okay, I’m okay,  Jasper’s…gone.”

She seemed surprised by that but I wasn’t.

He wouldn’t wanna be there for the finale.

I couldn’t blame him.

“Jane?”

She shook her head.  “Had to take her out…she um…pulled a gun on me and…”

I nodded, I got it.

“You alright?”

She smiled.

“Better than alright. But what are we gonna do about him, though?”

In-fucking-deed.

“Well they can’t think Kate had anything to do with Aro…I don’t want her havin’ to deal with any of the wonderful wizard of fucktown breathing down her neck for details…”

Swan agreed and we came up with a story while simultaneously getting Kate to pull herself together.

Just as the men in blue showed up, around back.

“How’s my brother?” I asked Muldoon, walking up to him, a little goddamn peeved, if I do say so, myself.  Then I asked him, quietly, so no one would hear, “Where are my pics, Muldoon?”

“They’re checking him out in the ambulance, but he’ll be okay, Cullen,” he answered the first question as he took an envelope out of his pocked and slid them to me.

I checked them, the negs were in there, too, but that didn’t mean anything, I just had to hope he was on the up and up about this one thing, at least.

The Lieutenant looked around, as I put the envelope away, and took in the sight of dead Aro on the ground.  He pursed his lips, no doubt wondering how it had all gone down but I didn’t dare give him anything.

He was gonna have to work for that shit.

I noticed a couple of cops talking to Swan who had an arm around Kate, as Muldoon started talking to me again.

“Good thing you called this in, Cullen, good work,” he boomed, slapping me on the fucking shoulder like we were goddamn bosom buddies or somethin’.

“Yeah,” I said, and then Emmett came around the corner of the building as well.  His shoulder was wrapped and I felt the biggest goddamn sense of relief, knowing he’d be around for a little while longer.

I also hoped to god he didn’t kick my ass too badly, once he was healed, for shootin’ him, like that.

He gave me the look when he saw me chattin’ it up with Muldoon.

And I in turn ignored his ass.

“Fifteen minutes earlier and so many people might not have had to die,”  I told the Lieutenant, making a slight gesture toward Aro.

I made a face at him, after.  “Weird.”

“What are you trying to say, Cullen?” he asked and Emmett was silent.  I felt like he was actually more interested in hearing my theories than walkin’ the straight and narrow for the first time in a long goddamn time.

I focused on Muldoon though.

No time for celebratory brotherly bonding fucking moments.

“I know there’s more to this shit then what came out here today, Muldoon,” I told him, leanin’ in a little, much like the way he did that day in the hospital with me.

“Don’t push my buttons, Cullen,” he muttered back, in warning. “Or..”

“Or what,” I said, cutting his smug ass off. “Aro’s dead, he can’t pull any more strings for you anymore…not that he would have anyway, seein’ how you set his ass up and wanted to have him arrested and all.”

Courtesy, yours truly, but let’s not get technical, shall we?

He looked annoyed.

He knew I was right.

But Muldoon doesn’t like lettin’ anyone else get the last word in.

I however, didn’t give a shit, so I left him there to go see how pissed off Emmett was.

“You’re fired, Cullen,” he told me, getting all pumped up and loud like. “From any and all jobs having to do with the DC Metro Police Department, you hear me?”

I let out a chuckle, then, and turned back to him.

“You can’t fire me, Muldoon, I’m a free fucking agent.”

“No, but I can get your investigative license revoked, then where will you be?”

Hmm.

I guess he had a point there.

But ask me if I really gave a fuck.

Go ahead.

Ask me.

“Then I guess I’d have to go all Batman on your ass and take care of the city’s bullshit cases that you can’t…or won’t handle, for free.”

Or, under the table…whichever.

And it was one of those rare moments, my friends.  One that allowed me a tad fucking bit of smugness with the City’s head police ass wipe.

Because Muldoon marched over to me, then, and quietly seemed to be…

Pleading with me.

“I did what I had to do, to light a fire under you, Cullen, that doesn’t make me the bad guy.”

I narrowed my eyes at him.

“No, but it makes you one seriously shady motherfucker…and I don’t do shady.”

Break a few rules here and there…maybe…shady like a demon on crack?

No fucking thank you.

“Shady.”

“Yeah, you know, a crooked cop, bad badge, rotten apple…”

“I get it, Cullen…” he finally said, talking over me.

Which I fucking hate, by the goddamn way.

“You won’t be able to prove anything,” he said, smirking, in his feeble fucking attempt at a threat.

But I was over his ass.

Done.

“Doesn’t matter…I won’t have to.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Geeze.

Defensive, much?

“It means sooner or later, you’ll screw up, and I’m gonna be there to make sure everyone fucking knows it.”

I started off again but he stopped me.

Again.

And I was getting really fucking annoyed with his ass.

“We’re on the same side, Cullen,”  he said and then I actually had to laugh at the schmuck.

“Same side?  Me and you?” I asked, motioning between us, as my eyebrows raised up an inch or two, but then I lost the smile, so no words could be minced.  “I don’t fucking think so.”

He gave up, finally, getting’ the hint.

“Have it your way, Cullen,” he said, shrugging and then he walked away.

Scott fucking free from the mess he’d probably had something…maybe everything to do with and I watched him for a minute or two, debating how many years I’d do for shooting a Lieutenant in the DC Police force, in the back, when Swan approached me.

“Well, they bought it…Kate’s got nothing to do with any of this except for being a kidnapping victim and they think I went after you when you left to find Aro, found the two of you, warned Aro and when he resisted, I shot him.”

I breathed out, nodding.

“Good, that’s good.”

“You okay?” she asked, rubbing a hand on my back in her soothing, Swan way.

The good news was, no cracked ribs, after all…they just hurt really fucking bad.

“I’m good, let’s go home.”

I put an arm around her and she let me put some weight on her as we walked, slinkin’ an arm around my waist.  We made it over to Em, who joined the group and then as the three of us were walking around to the front where we’d hopefully find Eleanor still waitin’ for us, I heard some giggles on Swan’s end and Emmett was shoulder bobbing like a motherfucker.

“What?” I asked the two of them and Emmett pointed at my ass.

“Hello Kitty?”

Shit.

I pulled the gun out, movin’ it to my jacket pocket, wondering what had happened to the Colt in the hub bub but since I didn’t really feel like stickin’ around to look for it, I pressed on, puttin’ up with the pink gun jokes and the teasing tickled from Swan.

And yeah.

I wouldn’t be livin’ that one down.