Summary

SUMMRY: This story is a continuation of "Edward Cullen, Dick for Hire" - if you haven't read that one, you may not "get it" in this one. "What happens when the love of your life becomes your partner in crime solving?" AH, BxE Humor, Romance, Action, Mystery - Rated M for Language, Mature Themes and serious fuckery.

*originally posted to fanfiction.net 8.31.2010*


(I do not own these characters this is simply a work of fanfiction)


Chapter 14 ~ The Early Bird Gets his Ass handed to Him


Cullen POV

Idiot.
I was round about half way through my drive over toward Aro’s shipping district, when it hit me.
It wasn’t like one of those, laughable, I’m walkin’ on fucking sunshine, oh, hey, that’s kinda cute and funny, kinda hitting me moments, either.
It was more like, what the fucking fuck was she fucking thinking? Kinda goddamn moments.
I couldn’t really blame Swan, though, right?  For running off to Charlie, like that?  I mean, I was the dill hole who’d given her the head start when I read her note that morning and just fucking assumed she’d gone…I dunno…window fucking shopping or some shit like that, with my sister.
Right?
It wasn’t so much that it hit me outta the blue, either. But rather that I called her and she didn’t answer her cell.
She always answers her cell.
Unless she’s in trouble, or avoiding.
And since I refused to believe she was in trouble...
Or maybe just in denial.
I’d called Jasper and asked him to look up Swan’s cell pings by hackin’ into the service providers main database and tracking them that way.
What?
It was to confirm my suspicions…you know, make sure she wasn’t in that trouble I was in denial about…it’s not like I was pullin’ that crazy, scary, stalker shit the BFF used to pull.
Seriously.
And by the way, regardless…I did indeed confirm my fucking suspicions.
I had to stop and laugh for a few minutes after my conversation with him.
‘Cause it is kinda funny how, every goddamn time I thought I understood Swan, even on the slightest of fucking levels.  She’s pulled this kinda shit with me.
Oh yeah, I thought about callin’ her ass.
Rippin’ her a new one for sneakin’ off like that and puttin’ herself in danger.
But what would that have accomplished?
Snarky attitude, that’s what.
I could perfectly picture her ass too, standing there with her hip jetted out, just a little, a hand resting on it, one of her eyebrows raised slightly as she narrowed the other one, daring me to tell her what to do when she was perfectly fucking capable of taking care of herself.
And yeah…
Fuck me.
I needed settle my fucking imagination down before I humped a goddamn fire hydrant, or somethin’.
No…I wouldn’t call her. 
I needed to do my goddamn job, scope out this motherfucking shipping district, find some bullshit out about what in the Hell was goin’ on, exactly.
THEN I’d call and give her shit.
And yeah, okay, she was worried about papa Swan, but come on, it wasn’t like the guy was in the fucking hospital or anything.
No harm had come to anyone.
She was just…
Fucking…
What was she, anyway?
Pissing me off, that’s what.
As I pulled up to my destination, I felt like something was missing.
Empty.
And I threw Eleanor into park, a tad more aggressively that I would have liked to, and sat there, regaining some resemblance of self control before I wandered into the throws of the devil, himself. 
Even if he wasn’t present for the lighting of his own bonfire.
‘Cause the last thing I needed to do, was get side tracked and fuck this up.
The case comes first, Cullen.
The case always comes first.
I pulled the Colt outta the glove compartment, my latest gadget used for picture taking and headed over to the first building I figured I’d check out.
The one where the mayor and Newton played a little game I like to call duck, duck let’s torture and drug the fuck out of Cullen, not so long ago.
It made sense, to me, that if that’s where they’d kept me to hide me from the public, then that would be where they’d keep an innocent like Kate around, till they were feeling safe enough to move her.
Right?
The back door was closed, but unlocked which caused all my Spider sense bells and whistles to go off since I was pretty sure that meant someone was there.
Doing what, who knew but it didn’t really matter.
The other question was, how many somebodies were there?
I crept along the darkened walls, until I could feel out what the situation entailed, then I noticed an office of some sort, with the lights on and made my way there.
A text buzzed through on my cell and I checked it.
It was Swan.
Giving me some shit about how she’d call me later and that she hoped I was getting somewhere with the leads on Aro.
I cursed at the phone and put it back into my pocket, itching to get this part of my day over with, so I could tell Swan what I really thought of her bright idea to fly off to fucking Forks for the day.
I stood outside the door when I got there, listening, trying to get a gage for what the inhabitants were discussing…maybe see if I heard some familiar voices.
There was only one person though.
And they were talking to someone, alright, but not live…it was into a telephone.
She was using a hushed voice, which told me, she didn’t trust the people she was working with in that warehouse so much and I took one step at a time, quietly, cautiously, behind her, waiting for the phone call to end so I could question her in private.
And not give her time to alert anyone else that I was there.
I slowly pulled the Colt out of the back of my jeans, quietly.  Then raised it, pointing at her head as she said her goodbye and as she turned around, she simply looked at me, bored, and said, “Hello, Mr. Cullen.”
So much for the element of surprise.
And yeah, this was not my fucking year.
I kept the Colt on her, steady.
“Red,” I greeted her and then I nodded the Colt at her a little.  “How’d you get outta jail?”
Already.
“I have contacts beyond even your comprehension, Mr. Cullen.”
Muldoon, maybe…he’s definitely beyond my fucking comprehension.
“What’d you, win some crazy ass bet with the guards on how long it would take to rip their balls off?”
She laughed as she eyed my gun.
The Colt, that is.
For the love of god.
“I see you haven’t lost your way with words,” she teased and when she started to walk toward me, I readjusted my stance. “Don’t make me shoot you, again, Red.”
I got the impression that, for some fucking reason, she thought I was teasing back.
You know, something like, foreplay for disturbed motherfuckers, or somethin’?
Yeah, welcome to my world of fuckery.
“Don’t worry, Mr. Cullen, I don’t hold any ill will toward you…it’s all part of the profession…I just want to talk.”
Ha! Profession.
That’s fucking rich.
“Alright,” I said, relaxing a tad.  Maybe even amused, and partially curious as to just exactly what in the hell it was she had to say.
I kept the fucking gun on her.
“Talk.”
I had to give it to Red.  The woman didn’t flinch, didn’t sweat, didn’t have shifty eyes, like so many other fucking assholes in her line of work.
Not that I shoulda been surprised by that shit.
She was missing a soul, after all.
Ya had to be, to work for Aro.
“Mr. Volturi would like to make you an offer, Mr. Cullen.”
“Let me guess,” I said, before she wasted her breath.  “Something along the lines of some of the love notes his messenger boy’s been leaving, maybe?”
She gave me this cock eyed look and I thought, okay, I’ll play along.
So I put both my hands up, and flared them a little, buggin’ my eyes out, some.  “Stay away.”
“Are you referring to…James?” she asked, furrowing her brow and that was about when I’d had it with all their fucking bullshit.  “Ya know, maybe I can make you a deal, Red…you tell me where the girl is, and I don’t take you in…this time.”
I smiled, nicely.
“Well, he would like you to stop working on this particular case, Mr. Cullen, but…”
Didn’t matter.
“You tell Aro, I don’t make deals with Dickbags.”
She stepped a little closer, then, eyeing me up, licking her blood red lips as her tits heaved and I knew what was comin’ as she reached out to me.
‘Cause apparently, all these bitches who worked for Aro were either sex deprived or nympho-goddamn-maniacs.
“You women and your fucking hands…” I muttered, as I grabbed a hold of her wrists, stopping any Eddy Jr. contact what-so-fucking-ever.
“That’s not gonna fly, my friend,” I told her…because yeah, every so often, I learn my fucking lesson and she smiled.  “Fine, then maybe this will.”
And because I’d had practice lately in the art of the woman’s mind and guessed, correctly, might I fucking add, at her next move, my hand flew downward faster than Red could find a way to get arrested again and I was able to stop the knee from making contact with my balls, who where currently putting out want ads for new homes because if that shit kept happening, Swan wasn’t getting baby makin’ sperm out this motherfucker, whether she wanted one or not.
What?
I think about shit.
The slightest of smirks from Red and I let go. Then she held her hands up in a surrender sorta way and I backed off.
For the time being.
“How’d you know I was here,” I asked her and she walked away from me, slowly.  Probably debating if she should even waste any more time on me, seein’ how I’d just told her to tell her boss to fuck off and all.
Okay, maybe I coulda played that situation a little differently.
Red’s reasons for continuing out conversation were beyond me but…she threw me a bone and I didn’t toss it back, this time.
“The security system that Mr. Volturi has set up since your last…meeting…is more complex than what the Pentagon even has, Mr. Cullen.”
And let me just clari-fucking-fy, that by meeting, she meant, torture romp.
“That’s an awful big investment for an empty warehouse, don’t ya think?”
And Red’s silence spoke volumes.
Kate had to be there.
I looked out into the empty looking warehouse that was just on the other side of the office doorway, scanning to see if there were any clues as to hidden rooms, or…hidden anything but there was nothin’ that I could see.
Just…blackness.
“She’s not here, Mr. Cullen…”
“Tell me somethin’, Red…you’re a woman,” I eyeballed her. “Sorta…how is it, you can look the other way while dick fucks like Aro take young, innocent girls and treats them like…”
She laughed, genuinely amused by my concern for these girls and I was silenced, again.
That shit does not happen, often. 
“Mr. Cullen, when you’re paid enough money, you always find a way to look the other way,” she said, ever so non-cha-fucking-lantly and I wanted to spit.
In her eye, preferably, but with my code about women and shit…that wasn’t gonna happen.
Unfortunately.
“I fucking disagree,” I told her, wondering how much they were paying Muldoon to look the other way.
She checked her watch and I checked the warehouse again.
When I turned back to Red, she was at a door that I hadn’t noticed before and was opening it. 
It looked like it led to the parking lot and I suddenly had a really…bad…fucking…feeling.
“Aro is not going to like your answer, Mr. Cullen.  It’s…unfortunate you didn’t see things his way.”
I swept the Colt up and pointed it toward her but she was too fast.
Like, snake fast.
It was disturbing.
“He’s all yours, boys!” she yelled out, as she let the door slam and before I could make it over to the door to follow her, gun fire erupted, breaking the glass to the office.
From inside the warehouse.
In the direction of yours truly, who was now trapped like a fucking rat in that tiny ass office I’d been led in to like a zombie to rotting flesh.
I rolled over to the door she’d just left through but mother of fuck, it was locked.
From the outside.
“Bitch.”
I duck and covered as the gun shots continued and just prayed I wasn’t about to end up full of bullet holes before I could tell Swan how much she very much pissed my ass off that day.
“I really need to quit my day job…” I started mumbling to myself as my cell phone rang.  I assumed it was none other than my live in, mind fucker…among other things…so I answered it as I ran for cover, into the open area of the warehouse.
“Swan, what the…”
“Hello, Mr. Cullen, Tanya Denali here.  Just a friendly follow up call to see how you’re…”
Okay, let me rephrase that shit…while the bullets whiz passed my fucking head.
“Tanya…What the fuck,” I said, out of breath, as an AK-49 rifle sent a shit load of fuckery at me.
I’m a monumentally knowledgeable motherfucker when it comes to guns, my friends.
“I see you still have issues with superiority.”
Forever and fucking always.
I slid my body between two ten foot tall, metal shipping pods and then peeked around to see where the shooters where and possibly figure out how many I had to worry about.
“This really isn’t a good time, Tanya.”
I heard the pings of bullets bouncing off of the metal pods including one that hit just above my fucking head as I ducked to see under the damn things.
“Shit!”
“I only need a moment of your time, Mr. Cullen…but this is protocol, so...”
Protocol, my ass.
Did she not hear the fucking gun shots?
Clearly, I wasn’t getting rid of her, that easily.
I sighed into the phone, irritated, holding it between my ear and shoulder while I put a fresh clip of bullets into the Colt.
 “So how are things?”
There was an eerie silence then, as though my gun toting buddies were reloading or something and I took the opportunity to peek around some more.
“Uh…that’s a relative, question, Tan…do you mean, like, right this fucking moment? Or, you know…in general?”
Either way…
“Which one would you like to answer?”
Jesus fucking Christ.
I pegged a shooter above me, on the rafters and whispered, “Bingo.”
“Excuse me?” she asked, and I ignored her as I shot at the guy covering me from above and hit him dead on.
I watched him fall as I answered Tanya.
Sorta.
“Oh you know…it’s goin’.”
She giggled a little, from the other end of the phone as bullets starting ringing out again.
“Mr. Cullen, will you ever take this process seriously?”
She had no goddamn idea, my friends.
I caught the reflection of light from outside bouncing off of another rifle and pegged shooter number two.
Switching the phone to my other ear, I aimed and fired off a shot in his general direction.
“Probably not.”
And I think I hit him based on the holy bloody screams of terror that followed.
Tanya changed the subject on me.
“How is your relationship with Ms. Swan going, you two have been living together, yes?”
There was walkie talkie chit chat going on.  I could barely hear the static and one of the shooters saying something.
He couldn’t have been very far away, so I closed my eyes and listened, intently.
“Mr. Cullen?”
“Hold the fuck on, Tanya…”
Found him.
Aro really needed to buy his guys some softer soled shoes.
In my humble fucking opinion, that is.
“Well…” I started, having no goddamn idea why I was talking this shit while my fucking life was at stake.
Then again…
“I think she wants to have a kid,” I finally said to her, opening my eyes again, letting them adjust as I looked in the direction of where I thought I’d heard the whispers.
“And how does this make you feel?” she asked.
Was that a staple fucking question or something, by the way? Because goddamn if there wasn’t a crazy person out there that hadn’t been asked the same goddamn thing.
Not that I was crazy…
“Well,” I said, raising the Colt, holding my arm steady with my free hand, squinting a little, as I found shooter number three and squeezed the trigger.
Shooter number three wouldn’t be chit chatting anymore.
I stood up straighter; waiting for a clue as to where number four was, assuming he was the last, since the gun fire had significantly decreased and gave the next part of my conversation with Tanya my best shot.
“I’m letting my male ego get in the way of solving a case where by now, my victim could possibly be dead already and I’m pretty sure Sw…Bella’s run off to Forks goddamn Washington to see her father, who may or may not be in some kinda danger, but my gut is tellin’ me, it’s just another wild goose chase that’s tied to our current problem of a fucking ass hat.”
She was silent for a minute so I took the opportunity to crouch and run for a better cover.
And a bullet whizzed by my ear just as I pushed myself up against the wall that barely gave me room to change the casings in my Colt.
A-holes.
I put the phone back up to my ear just as she was asking me, “How does that...”
Was she fucking kidding me?
“Pissed, Tanya…it makes me feel fucking pissed,” I whisper yelled.
“Look, Edward,” she said and her tone was a little different now.  “It’s perfectly normal for you to want your relationship to make sense all of the time…for the two of you to make sense all of the time…but what you have to remember is that, there’s you, there’s Ms. Swan, and then there’s the two of you. Together.”
And what the fuck was THAT shit supposed to mean?
“I need to set you up with my brother, Tan…” I laughed and then she told me to call her if I wanted to talk more about it.
I was guessing that meant my quarter was up.
Thank God.
I ended the call and slipped my phone into my jacket and stepped out from behind my wall of sanctuary.
And was hit right in the fucking chest with a bullet.
I was down before I could even realize what had happened and as I lay there, I had flash backs of the Spring before, and Swan holding my head in her lap, crying, petting my head and telling me, everything would be alright.
And then…I didn’t just see Swan anymore.  Or even the woman I considered a partner for the first time in my life.
I saw a lover, a best friend, a wife…a mother, even.
Flawless as ever.
And then thoughts started swirlin’ around in my head.
I wondered, was I that guy?  The one that she deserved to be with?  Or was I just some schmuck who’d be lucky enough to spend some time with her, enjoy her for the woman that she was, before that guy came along and snagged her out from under me?
After I beat the shit out of him for doing so, that is.
“Jesus Christ,” I choked, rubbing at the hole in my fucking jacket.  “Someone’s payin’ for that shit.”
I forced myself to get up, ignoring the pain in my chest from the force of the bullet that had square between the nipples and the nightmarish type shit that I’d just swarmed in on my brain.
And I thanked the fucking gods above that I’d snagged a Kevlar from eBay a couple a weeks before.
I heard the perp walking across the warehouse and I stayed silent, waiting.
My Colt was on the floor next to me and I slid my hand over to grab it just as shooter number four walked up on me.
He spoke into his walkie.
“Then follow him,” he said and I was working through who he might be talking about just as he came into view.
I pointed the gun before he was able to raise his.
“You have once chance, numb nuts, where’s the girl.”
He smiled.
“You just do not get it, do you,” he asked and I told him, “Wrong fucking answer,” as I cocked the Colt, then he made to raise his rifle and I pulled the trigger, putting him down.
“Fuck,” I said, getting myself up because goddamn it woulda been nice to just get a fucking STRAIGHT answer outta these dick weeds every once in a while.
“Fucking MOTHER of fucking fuck!” 
I kicked the pod near me and then punched it with the Colt hand three or four times before losing my breath and stopping to catch it again.
Then I put the gun down and checked number for to see if he had information in him about Kate.
Or, fucking anything…I’d take anything at that point.
The only thing I found was a picture of Kate, which was of no use, since I already knew what she looked like and I fell back onto my ass, taking a moment to…
Re-adjust.
My next move was to call Emmett.
Because there was just no way in fucking hell I was calling that shit in to Muldoon.
I told him to call his dick wad of a Lieutenant to have him send some troops and I started makin’ a sweep of the warehouse, where I found three girls, all in separate areas, tied up and barely covered.
None of which were Kate.
And none of them recognized the picture I’d snagged off of shooter number four.
Another dud, I thought but then corrected myself because…hell, at least there were three less girls that Aro wasn’t gonna get his nasty ass hands on.
After Muldoon’s people arrived and I gave him a statement. 
Most of it, anyway.
I took off and pulled the cell out to dial Swan but then…I came up with a better fucking plan.
‘Cause where I really wanted to be.
Where I really needed to be, was with her.
It wasn’t the case that came first, I’d suddenly realized.
Or me…or, Hell, Swan, even.
It was us.
We fucking came first.
‘Cause if there was no “we”…the rest was, just…shit.
I turned the ‘Stang around and headed to BWI via the Parkway and made a reservation for the first flight out to Forks, Washington, or…whatever airport was closest and figured I’d drive the rest of the way, if I had to.   Then I called Em, one more time, to tell him to go let Pup out for me.
I figured I could buy clothes there, provided they sold shit that didn’t look like it was from the fucking eighties, that is.
The sooner I got my ass out to Washington, the better.
And I was gonna give that woman a good goddamn talkin’ to for being such a pain in my fucking ass all the time.
So to speak.
I received one more text from her as I boarded the plane asking how my day was going and I replied that  I didn’t have time to chat…
Will call ya later…something to do.
I sent the text that was worded almost exactly like her note had been that she’d left me that morning, then turned my phone off and headed out to the Northwest Peninsula to bring her ass home.

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